I generally regard myself as being quite intelligent. There, I just said it, and there is absolutely nothing that any of you can do to stop me. It stands to reason, therefore, that I generally don't like it when people get things wrong. Usually, I just correct them (politely), or ignore it. Sometimes, though, it just becomes too much.
My inspiration for this particular article is the bloke who sits behind me at the football. I don't know his name, and to be honest, I don't really want to know it. I am an unashamed Wigan Athletic fan (unlike the Famous Peter, who claims to support Wigan, but is actually a closet Liverpool fan *Editor: watch it wooly*) and have been watching the side, with a season ticket, for about seven years. I have sat in my current seat, in the East Stand, for five of those years, and during that time, this man has sat behind me.
Not Pictured: The annoying bloke who sits behind me.
Let me first make it abundantly clear that my footballing experience is limited to Sunday League, Fifa, and Football Manager. However, I understand everything to do with the game from the adverse merits and faults of pressuring and containment, to the pros and cons of wing play as opposed to long ball (or "Bolton Tactics").
The man behind me, however, believes himself to be a footballing genius. He is wrong. Completely wrong. Let me explain why.
Under his way of playing, there is no such thing as a flair player; every man should run around after the ball, chasing every single lost cause, and not giving up anything. They should also, while chasing every single ball, remember to mark both their man, and their zone. Now, in fairness, zonal vs. man-marking is one of the main talking points of a defensive game. However, you can't have both, it just doesn't work like that. He also doesn't seem to understand containment, or holding position in defense. Every player should, literally, run after the ball like a headless chicken. This is one of the main reasons for Wigan's plight this season.
The other thing that he hates is every single player. Every single one. Kirkland? "Needs kicking practice." Bramble? "He makes me nervous." N'Zogbia? "Should stop trying to do everything on his own." All of those are genuine quotes. He is not quite as bad as the woman next to him, who insists on announcing to the entire ground who Martinez is bringing on as a substitute (five minutes after the fourth official holds up the number board), but is still pretty terrible. You sort of get the general feeling that if we won every single game for the rest of football, he would still find something to complain about. Most likely Kirkland being a "dozy sod" for not throwing the ball to N'Zogbia as soon as he has made a save, despite the fact that N'Zogbia is marked by two men.
His solution? Apparently we're lacking "someone who'll put their foot in," despite having the likes of McCarthy, Diame and Thomas in our midfield, and he often bemoans the lack of a "genuine goalscorer," as in Hugo Rodallega, Victor Moses, or the yet-to-settle-in Marcello Moreno. By the way, Moreno is pronounced "Mourinho," (seriously) and Rodallega is "Rodalleho." And I have to sit there and listen to this, because I am such a nice, sweet, polite, person.
Ultimately, I don't understand why he bothers showing up. The people I sit near, who seem to understand that chasing the ball incessantly = conceding agree with me about this bloke. If all he does is complain, why does he even bother? The answer?
To annoy the rest of us.
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