The Kid: Healthy Bloody Eating

Nowadays, people are doing absolutely everything that they can think of to take away our enjoyment of life. They (and by they, I mean, you know, them) have decided to ban pretty much everything on the grounds of either health and safety or it being unhealthy. Usually both. The final straw, however, is food.

I can categorically say this, and I defy any medical or scientific expert to disprove this: food is bad for you. I have overwhelming evidence to support this. Every person who has ever died has eaten, at some point in their lives, food. Every person who currently eats food on a regular basis is going to die. Every single one. Why? Because that’s what happens in life: you are born, you live, and you die.

Why, then, are some people obsessed with denying themselves one of the most basic, innocent pleasures of life - that of good food - for an extra few years of putting off the inevitable? Now, let’s get one thing straight; I have no quarrel with people who decide that they would rather extend their lives for a few years by eating tasteless mush instead of real food. That’s their choice. I take issue, however, with the food fascists who decide that this is the only acceptable choice for everybody. Yes, Jamie Oliver, I’m talking about you.

At my old High School, there was no such choice. One day, the deputy head simply up and decided that Standish Community High School was going to go “healthy.” This might have something to do with the extra funding that the school received as a result, but I digress. All of a sudden, there was no more chocolate. Fizzy drinks were banned, and what was once known as the “burger bar” became, I kid you not, a “pasta bar .” Yes, in the style of those other world famous pasta bars, like “Fusilli King” and “McSpaghetti.” The only place that it was possible to find anything with any taste was in the office of the aforementioned deputy head. The choice of being unhealthy was entirely removed, replaced instead by dietary doctrines of having a low amount of salt, because salt is bad for you; a low amount of fat, because fat is bad for you; and a low amount of taste because, obviously, taste is bad for you.

My point is this. Every single type of food is bad for you. A new study is published almost daily, suggesting the long-term damage that every single foodstuff under the sun will cause you. They want you to be healthy, and eat only the good things. What I propose is this. Choose your method of death! Whether you feel like succumbing to high cholesterol, bowel cancer, or just a heart attack, simply find the right foods, and eat only those, giving you an “increased risk” of dying from a particular ailment! Alternatively, just eat whatever you feel like eating. After all, it’s not going to make too much of a difference in the long run, is it? Besides, I could really go for a KFC right now...